Life.

Good grief.
I now know how Charlie Brown feels whenever he says that. Good grief.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't know what to think of life anymore...

You think you know what you want. How to get there. And suddenly nope. Life throws you for a loop and I usually don't respond fast enough to react. And I find myself flailing wildly with no hope of redemption.

Literally so much going through my head that I can't even formulate a coherent thought about today....

I'm trying to think basically. I know I like Eric. I think I like Colin. I think Eric likes me and I know I'm at least a good friend to Colin. Eric causes butterflies and quite honestly while I really like him, I'm not sure that us being together is what either of us needs. I can't believe I am saying that. Especially when I know how I feel for him, but the whole lack of consistency from him. As well as the whole, "Girlfriend. No." thing... I'm not quite sure I am willing to be that girl who waits around for another year like I did last year hoping and praying that this amazing guy who I kinda call a friend will wake up one day and see how I feel.

I want to be happy. I want not to feel the way I do right now. Torn and battered and beaten. Nothing. I feel like nothing. I could disappear and no one would take major notice. I am lonely and in need of a serious friend. Someone who knows when to just sit there and hear me talk it all out. But the person I feel I can talk to the most happens to be one side of this horrible triangle I am creating in my mind....

If life were a movie, two things could happen right now. Well three. One. I would rise above my confusion, run upstairs and tell Eric how I feel. Two. I open my door and find Eric there, and he tells me he likes me. Three. Colin shows up and throws in yet another plot twist.

If Eric was consistent I would not feel the way I do now. I would know whether or not he liked me. I could decide to like him or not. I could then decide what to do with the feelings I think I might have for Colin. But I don't want to admit to actually having feelings for Colin while I still feel this way about Eric. I know that if both guys admitted to me right now that they liked me I'd be more inclined to be with Eric. But I have been the girl who waits for a guy to like her. I was her for over a year. And I promised myself I would never be that again. I don't want to settle. Nor will I never take a risk in telling someone I like them. The problem is how long I will wait to do anything. A whole year. That's insane. I won't do that again. Yet I feel as if I am setting myself up to do that again.

Here is the major problem: I like Eric. I might like Colin. Eric said he doesn't want to date or have a girlfriend. Colin is hard to read. Eric is harder to read. I love being with either of them. Something tells me Colin likes Tess. I was use to being single. Being alone didn't bug me. Not until I woke up one day and realized how I felt about Eric that I realized the ache inside my chest. And it wasn't until I realized this that ache had been there all along did I start to realize how lonely I truly am. I'm sick of being the "strong" one. I want to know that if I have a bad day, I won't have to retreat into myself to deal with it. I can seek the arms of another and find warmth and comfort there.

I need to just take a step back and focus on what is best for me at this point in my life. Right now I think that is just feeling it out for a few weeks. Even though a part of me wants to know if I could find that comfort tonight....

Life will go on. Nothing is worth giving up entirely. Ever. Especially a stupid boy.

Over and out.