Here we are again...

...day two of this blog and somehow I am still here and haven't forgotten about it yet... 

~

Midnight again, Saturday the 14th of July... Last week or so of being 17.... I am not quite sure if I am ready to be 18... We shall see...

Well tonight's rant... My total lack of confidence, skill, or hope when it comes to relationships. Been single for over a year and a half, and I'm totally cool with being single, don't get me wrong. It's not that I dislike being single, I don't, it's just that I know that if I was more confident with myself and took more "why not" risks in my life I wouldn't be here. I would be with someone who I genuinely like, and I think likes me, but I am a horrible judge of anything relationship wise so my predictions are never valid. So if you don't know me personally I'll explain in brief; 3 years ago I met a guy, he bugged the crap out of me, a year later and we were total pals, another year later and he's like my brother I go to him for advice, a good laugh, or just to have a breath of fresh air... Somewhere in this most recent year something changed for me, I began realizing I was jealous whenever he pointed out a girl he liked or said he was going somewhere with someone... But I couldn't possibly like him, he was my "brother" and you just don't go there right? Well this feeling festered in me until I couldn't take it anymore and I /kinda/ told him how I feel, but he's always been way too logical and level headed and he said "no you're leaving" "we missed our chance" "more annoying logical level-headed stuff here." Anyway. I tried to drop it and for a few weeks I did. But like any freshly healed wound, the slightest yank in the wrong direction and you have the same wound again... And a couple of weeks or so ago our relationship took a drastic turn from "friends" to "more" ... But I still don't know what we are. And unknowns scare me, I don't have the best views on realtionships, but at the same time, how can I feel like this and not do something? Being a teenager sucks, ragin hormones and strange adult ideas conflicting during midnight thoughts written on a blog for all the world to see. ..... anyway....

If you are still reading this, which I suspect you are not cause who wants to read a teenager's angsty hormone driven ramblings, you must know that I have no purpose for this blog other than to share the random thoughts I have on nights where I can't sleep. I imagine that this will progress into something more personal and rather become a lot like a public journal of ideas, sketches, thoughts and rants but who knows. I never sleep well, and I like the quiet that night brings. It lets the mind wander father than it ever can during the day. (How romantic of me...)

On a completely different note. LOOK AT THIS DOOR!!!!! OH MAI GAWD!!!!! So I've always been a sucker for amazing architecture, and the buildings at the college I will be attending this year are sooooooo amazing. I MEAN LOOK AT THIS DOOR!!!! It's gorgeous. (I am such a doork.) ((see what I did there??))

So family reunion today (?) at my house... What do you say when you are up past midnight? Do you assume it is the next day or do you continue the day you woke up on? Cause whenever I type something the day it is to happen but after midnight I always feel weird.....  Random thought.... Should poll people.... 

I miss music. Not so much the endless hours of practice and horribly degrading and depressing "talks" we always got, but the music. I miss disappearing from the world for hours working on getting a single measure just right. Working towards a goal. Learning music for fun isn't the same. 

I;m going to learn a new instrument this year. Guitar maybe. I love percussion, but I am kinda burnt out with it. Maybe a Marimba class or something cause it is such a niiiceee instrument... But we shall see.... 

I love my friends. It's 1 in the morning, and I get a text that says "I found your pants." I didn't know I had lost any pants but my friends found a pair of my pants in the wash at their house.  I think I remember the back story to WHY they are there but the fact that I get told the pants have been found at 1 am makes my friends awesome. I am going to miss them all so much when I leave in a little over a month... 

College is such a big step. I hope I am making the right decision.... Time will tell. 

So I am never very good at finishing things so I'm going to just put a quote from a very wise guy you might know, his name is Johnny.... Johnny Depp. 

~I think everybody's weird. We should all celebrate our individuality and not be embarrassed or ashamed of it~