Friday the 13th...

... I will never understand the hype surrounding this day...

~~~

Life goes on. That's all I can think lately. No matter what we wish, think or do, life moves on. The Earth spins. The sun rises and sets. People fall in love, fall out of love, and even just fall down. 

My life isn't hard by any standards. I live a comfortable life, a roof over my head, a loving family, a good education, and a bright future. But yet I find myself wanting. Wanting my family to be safer, more comfortable, happier, richer, saner, nicer. I want all these things but yet I know that I can only control me. I am me. And I can only impact the world around me using myself. I'm not the smartest, nicest, prettiest or anything really, but I am me. I am the only one of me. Somewhere, somehow, someday I will find the reason I am here. 

The reason for this blog. Well, I am not entirely sure to be honest. I guess to expel all that is in my head to somewhere where someone might happen upon it. I'm not looking for attention. Maybe I'm doing this to just have something to do on nights like this where I can't sleep and I have exhausted my collection of amusing websites. That's one thing I am never good at, focus. I loose interest in things quickly. Not like ADD, more so I just have too much to think about with not enough time to accomplish it all, and not enough will power to execute it all. I will try to keep this blog up to date, but seeing as I don't have a set reason for nor goal for it I don't expect a daily blog or anything. Probably stuff like this. Me awake at 1 A.M. with no will to sleep but nothing to do but think.

Which brings me to another thing, thinking. I think too much, if that is possible. I over think everything. Currently I am over thinking the whole "college" thing. I am going. In a little over a month. I'm nervous, and excited, and worried, and A, and B, and C.... the list goes on and on. On top of this I have the "situation" to deal with. Close friend has become something more than a friend, but I'm leaving, but how can I not act on how I feel, and how does he feel, and should I even let myself hope, and A, and B, and C.... the worries and thoughts go on and on. Time will tell. Plus a teenager never thinks straight at 1 AM and a girl is never herself when TOM is here to visit. 

So blogging. I tried this once before and I posted once. The day I made the blog. And I just found it again, and I am almost ashamed to say I posted all that. So young and naive. Big dreams and no plan to even accomplish them. I didn't do what I say I was going to, but I am not at all disappointed in myself. I'd actually say the last few years have made me grow in more ways than I can imagine. Honestly the last month and a half has been where the most change took place. I grew up overnight in a way. I am nowhere near being sure of anything in my life and I know that I have much to learn, but for the first time in my life I am at ease with that. I am "undecided" about a lot in my life, and I know now that that is okay. No one has all the answers, and especially not at 17. I have time to grow and find my place in the world. I have not the faintest idea where that might be, but I know that I will find it someday. I'm not the most confident or outgoing person in the world, and I know that that needs to change, but that doesn't mean I change myself. I just need to find the "wrecking ball" to break down my walls. I know college will supply many "wrecking balls", some good, some bad. But I will survive. And I will continue to grow and learn. 

I don't know if anyone will ever read this or stumble across it on their own late night adventures on the internet. And I am actually okay with that. I'm not looking for anything, I just think that releasing pressure and  feeling comfortable enough to share is a good thing. I'm not saying everything is hunky-dory in my life, but I am willing to spend the time I have on nights, or even days, where I have too much on my mind to deal with writing it here. I'm not a super blogger and I doubt I ever will be, but never say never, and just bear with me if you are reading this. If you know me in person you may get the references I make or the situations I talk about, and if you don't well then this all might seem a little odd and rather spacey and impossible to follow, but remember, these are just the rants and thoughts of the Sleepless Slumbers of Life.

-For the first (and hopefully not the last) time - 

koiblab