Seeing Red.

Have you ever just been mad for absolutely no explainable reason other than your gut is telling you to be mad?
That's me right now.
I could punch someone.

I'm tired and stressed and just a few little things have pushed me over the edge.
I;m so homesick. I want my mom and dad and sister.
I'm still depressed over Gus, and I don't know if Molly will make it till I come home for thanksgiving.
I've just pushing everything down and out of the way, forcing a smile and trying not to let anyone see how fragile I really am.
Especially Matt.

I don't know what to do.
I really don't.

I don't even know where to begin.
He's not the guy I remember. Certainly not the one the one that was in California with me. I miss that Matt. The Matt that was always himself. Always kind and sweet and fun. This Matt sucks. He's trying too hard to have people like him, he's becoming a douche just like James. I don't even know if he wants to be with me anymore sometimes. I'm trying to make this work. I sit with people I don't like or even know cause I know it makes him happy. I miss my friends. Because I'm trying so hard for Matt, I'm losing who I am and mu better friends. I just wish he would fucking realize how fucking hard I am trying. When I'm finally with all my friends, happy and having fun, Matt brings me down. Then he gets mad at me because I'm being a downer. It's a never ending cycle, and it's slowly tearing me apart.
I don't know what changed over the summer. If I changed or he did. But something is not the same. Maybe we both changed a little in opposite directions. I'm trying to be more confident, and he's trying too hard. I don't know. It's all speculation. Either way, I think I finally cracked tonight.

The worst part is I'm crying and freaking out cause I don't want this to end us. I love him. My heart will break into a million tiny pieces if we breakup. I won't function right for days, hell, weeks.

I'm lonely. The bad kind of lonely. The lonely that does stupid things. The lonely that ended every other relationship I've ever had. Matt's the best guy I've ever met. I love him. Faults and all. But the light switch that he has is personality wired to is confusing me. I'm too confused to even write anymore...

Till next time.